„Happy is not who seems to be happy to others,
but who considers himself to be.“
- Seneca -
To be happy! That's what it's all about. But some people lack so much to achieve this. It seems like a wish that will never come true. In the movie Deadpool by Marvel appears a fitting quote: "Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness." But that's not always true. That's not true at all. There are techniques and methods that can bring you very close to your goal of being happy.
I have read many books, but I was often a little disappointed in the end. There are books written by psychologists who are real experts in the field. In such or other bestsellers, the authors spoke to me directly and wrote about methods, that would help me to be happy as a reader at the end of the book. I personally always missed something. The methods were not always easy to implement and too many words confuse me or I forget the most of it. I'd like to tell you in one sentence what is important in my opinion to really be happy:
- Your self-acceptance,
- your personal development
- and your perception.
But what about love, friends, a partner, money? I think this is the result of these three above. If you do not accept yourself, how could someone else? Happiness comes from within. That's a fact. Everyone can be "happy" if they have a strong relationship, a well paid job that brings a lot of money, no health problems and many friends. But does life always look like this?
A life can be torn apart so easily , for example through an accident or a sudden illness. So you're always running after a dream: "All I have to do is achieve this and that, then I can finally be happy". This could be a typical saying. So most people live a lie?
To have a bad day, because it is just too much of everything or something just went wrong, that's quite normal. But how do I pursue happiness in my life, when everything is so chaotic and still undone? You have to start accepting yourself. Admit your mistakes. Going after your goals, improving something in your life, is the most important step in order to not stand still (see Part III - Your Goals). You don't want to stay YOU forever. You want to be a Better-You day by day. You want to grow and expand your consciousness. There is still so much to learn and see before you die. Who will keep all those memories? Just you. They are yours forever. Create some wonderful memories and go all out of yourself.
Changing your perception is very important (see Part II - Perception). As you see the world, so it is for you. You can only see everything from your eyes. As you tell them, the information from the outside world will be transmitted to your brain. You can influence this.
But where can you start? I will explain the three steps in three chapters. This is the first Part I - Acceptance.
One of the best techniques is not to listen to your inner negative voice!
People with a lot of self-confidence are not ashamed of their actions. If they make a mistake, they accept the event and will excuse themselves, if needed. Their inner negative voice is quiet or will be completely ignored.
On the other hand, it is exactly the other way with people who have a low self-esteem. Their negative voice is loud and determinant. It criticizes you if you make a mistake, it insults you when something gets out of hand or you lose control, she constantly judges you and is never nice. She keeps taunting you. And? Do you know what I'm talking about? Everyone has that voice in them. The vehemence of their statements and the volume it speaks to you, is important. A few examples (inner negative voice cursiv):
- You look into the mirror - "What a huge nose and those droopy eyes. No one will ever love you like that!"
- You do your dishes and a plate falls on the floor and breaks - "You're so clumsy. Can you ever do something right?"
- You say something that may have been inappropriate - "You are so embarrassing. Just shut the hell up in the presence of others."
If you discover yourself here, then you know very well what I'm talking about. Annoying and tiring is this voice. Just not to listen is not that easy. But you can temper it. Namely by not contradicting the voice, but agreeing with it. I beg your pardon?
Yes, that doesn't sound very logical at first, but it's a master technique. Do not accept it, just agree with the voice.
The voice says, "You are stupid!"
You: "Ok, I agree."
No of course not! You should never accept that you are stupid, you aren't. Nor are you dump or anything else. If you don't know a thing, then you can still learn it. Let's try it this way:
"It may be that I have just acted a bit careless, but I have other abilities I can do very well instead. I forgive myself for this little mistake and next time I'll make sure to do better."
End of story. This is the right answer! You take the wind out of the voices sails, because you agree and furthermore forgive yourself. It's very important that you talk to yourself like this. Again and again! The inner negative voice judges you. You agree and forgive it immediately. If you always do it like this, when your voice annoys you, then it will become quieter and quieter in the future. I know that from my own experience.
It's not a problem if you can't make something work or just say something "wrong". That happens. To err is human. Not everything can work out as expected. Accept and don't hate yourself for mistakes. If you hate yourself, not only your self-esteem will hit rock bottom, but your happiness as well. Just don't!
Let me give you an important advise: Be friendly and nice to other people. Help them, if you think they really need your help right now. But don't let them exploit you. If you feel abused, say NO!
If you start to be vicious or constantly nag others, then you should point the finger on yourself. Everyone has a burden to bear, even if you think yours is especially heavy. You do not help anyone and of course not yourself in any way, if you are negative. Stop immediately to treat other people unfriendly or disrespectful. In serious cases, if you really can't stop it, it's no shame to see a doctor. It's almost IN to see a therapist these days. Accept that you need support. Not the strongest warrior, would have won a battle alone.
It's said, "Treat others how you want to be treated." If others don't react as you like it, it's their inadequacy, not yours. Stay friendly and courteous. If you have a negative thought pattern at this point and your inner voice is still putting you down, then it will help you bit by bit to forgive you for your mistakes. Acceptance is the keyword. That'll work fine for you.
Forgive yourself and recognize your strengths
Try to keep in mind what you're good at. I always thought I didn't have any special talent. And I've found out, I need none. It is as it is. Things that are totally commonplace or even banal to you, can still be things that you are good at.
Short example: I really suck at games like billiards, darts or bowling. This annoyed me a lot when I was out with friends and once again I was the badest player of all. My inner negative voice came out and said things like: "You really can't do anything, you're so bad in every game." Then I started thinking about what my real qualities are. I play the guitar, I can sing to it, I draw and paint quite well. I think this erases a few games like billiards and bowling, which I've never spent any time on. Now, when I've again pocketed everything, but the right balls after a round of billiards, I think to myself, "You haven't spent anytime practicing this game, so why do you wonder you're not good at it? I'm good at other things. I had fun with my friends. So that works for me." That was just a simple example. You have to keep in mind what you are good at. Even the simplest things count:
- You can cook well
- You can listen well
- You can organize small festivals and events
- You can talk well in a meeting or in front of your friends
- You are trustworthy and relatives come to you to tell you their problems
- You know a lot about a certain field (sports, history, science, art, etc.)
- You have craftmansship or are good at sewing (You repair things or sew your carnival/helloween costumes)
The list of examples is infinite. Sit alone for about 5 minutes undisturbed and think about things you are good at. Everyone and I really mean everyone has many positive qualities. If you keep a few of them in mind, then you can always counter your inner negative voice.
There are many ways to increase your self-confidence, but we start with the basics: "acceptance". Try it! In the beginning you will feel stupid or uncomfortable. Especially if you accept the words of your inner negative voice. Don't do that! She just talks malicious. Someone who condemns you, is not your friend. And we should hardly listen to people who do not like us or aren't our friends. So never accept what it says.
The origin of this negative voice comes mostly from childhood. Mostly the voice of the parents, who admonished, scolded and criticized you. Even teachers or other influencers in our childhood and youth can be the origin of this voice. But now you are no longer a child. It doesn't matter how difficult your childhood was. The most serial killers were left alone or mistreated as children. The fact of not being loved by the parents, sets in motion bad mechanisms in a person. But enough of this!
You are a grown-up now and responsible for your actions. If you behave badly and treat others badly, they will not say, "Oh, he/she had a real hard time in his/her childhood." No, they'll just think, "What an asshole!" To pity yourself does not lead anywhere. Pick yourself up and start accepting your mistakes and loving yourself. The way you act, others perceive you. So stay calm and friendly. Your inner negative voice will put obstacles in your way. Do not avoid or walk around them. Eliminate them immediately!
You are OK the way you are! Accept this! I say that with certainty, even if I don't know you. If you do not like certain things about yourself, change them step by step. But first you have to admit your mistakes to yourself. Answer your inner negative voice:
I am OK and worth being loved!
I hope the article was helpful to you. If so, then share it, so others can benefit as well. Anyway, I wish YOU the best.
- L.d.R. -