Self-sabotage - Why you keep failing

Self-sabotage goals anxiety

The slowest, who does not lose sight of his goal,

is still going faster,

than the one who wanders without purpose.


Gotthold Ephraim Lessing -




Self-sabotage may sound a bit harsh, but in fact it's often the reason why you fail over and over again. People often stand in their own way because, for example, they do not clearly define their goals or feel forced by others and society to achieve a certain thing or status. Let's look at a few points so that you can get rid of this problem and get clarity about your goals and life.








1.Setting goals - Have you set yourself a clear goal?


Before we even start to go really deep into the matter, it is important to address the topic of "goals" in the first place. I mean, have you even picked out a certain goal? If there really is something you want to pursue, then you need a concrete goal!


A study at Harvard University showed that graduates who wrote down their career goals were 10 times more successful and achieved these goals than their fellow students who did not write them down.


This clearly proves and it is also established from many other studies and success books, that you should write down your goals. Once you have done this, you should take a look at your Vision Board every day. That way you will literally never lose sight of your goals.


It's the essence of success. Because maybe you don't sabotage yourself or keep getting in your own way, but you are simply not focused enough. So if you want to get a certain house, car, career or just lose weight, then write down these goals and repeat them every day in your mind.


Through all the influences in our everyday life we often forget our goals. And that's why you have to write them down and keep them in mind every day. This will give you more motivation and stamina.









2. Are you sure you want to achieve it?


Supposing you want to lose weight. Then you start eating healthier food and exercising. But after a while that doesn't work anymore. Sentences such as: "It's too exhausting for me / I just can't keep up", occur quite often. Of course, this is partly due to your eating habits and partly because you subconsciously do NOT want to lose weight.


"What do you mean, I don't want to lose weight? Of course I do." - Are you sure about that? There's a big difference between the conscious self and the unconscious mind. While your conscious self says, "I want to be more athletic", you were taught in childhood, however, that whenever you are at home in the evening, you sit lazily on the couch, shoveling chocolate or potato chips into you and only get up again to go to bed. Maybe your parents have been bad role models for you. 


No matter what it was like at home as a child, at school, at work or your long-term relationship. Such habits often simply pass by the conscious self without a trace. But the subconscious mind has memorized every single detail. It does not want to be more sporty or eat only vegetables. It has learned to sit on the couch. So the answer of the subconscious mind is often: "No, I don't want to!"



You: I want to lose weight! - Subconscious: It's too much work!


You: I have to study for this exam! - Subconscious: Why, you're too stupid anyway and won't make it!


You: I wish for a great partner! - Subconscious: All your relationships have failed and it will happen again. 



You secretly don't want to have a partner, make a diet and not face this or that, because you think (subconsciously) that you won't make it anyway or you are afraid of it. Maybe you don't want to get hurt, so you don't even start doing this or that, in order not to experience disappointment. So you sabotage yourself at this point.


All I can say for sure is: That's bullshit! Even if you fail again and again and always have to start from scratch with your diet, it is still a huge difference than being unclear why you want something and then finally giving up on yourself. Ask yourself sincerely: Do I really want that?


You can do it! You just have to make a habit of it. Start small and grow with time!








3. Try out new or alternative ways!


How do you find something you like? How do you know that you really like it and that it corresponds to your inner unconscious ideas. The easiest way is to take some time for yourself and meditate on it. If you don't meditate you can also just think about it in peace. A piece of paper and a pen can also help you.


Just write down all the ideas that come to your mind spontaneously. Best is 20 ideas. Then look at the first 5 entries carefully. These are your TOP 5, follow them or at least try them out, while you just forget about the others! They will just consume your time. Otherwise, the easiest way to find something you like is the Trial & Error method


Before you just sit around at home depressed and don't know what to do, try something new that you like. Start today, sign up for a class or workshop or read a book on the topic. Don't wait until the perfect partner, the great passion or the dream job falls at your feet.


Take your fate into your own hands and go out there and try it. For example, if you've just started doing sports, then you're likely to sign up for a gym. You have been there twice, but you just don't enjoy it. Then why do you torture yourself?


If you want to do sports, there are endless possibilities. Group sports like basketball, handball, football or dancing with partners. Courses like Yoga, Pilates, Zumba or even Crossfit etc. Maybe you just need people around you who do the same things as you do, so you have more motivation or a sport to meet friends and also to get some exercise.


Sure, you can't change your job every 2 weeks, but you can still do an internship or find out about a completely different industry. Often we study or do an education that our environment thinks is the best for us. And then we find ourselves in a job that we don't like. You have the reins for your life in your hands! Do not surrender to your fate. Try new things and have fun!









4. Work on your "positive talk"!


Let's assume you have found something you like, but unfortunately you literally keep preventing yourself from pursuing it. From your inside you hear sentences like:



"You're not good enough"


"You don't deserve your partner / job / compliment"


"You won't make it anyway"




People often say such negative sentences to themselves. They are part of your inner negative voice, the inner critic. Everyone knows these doubts. As a teenager they were perfectly normal, but at some point they must stop!


You are an adult now and you are just as much worth as any other person in this world. The atoms we're all made of come from the same stars in the same universe. Even if you've made mistakes, turn your life around. Always be kind to others and do not judge them, because you don't know what they have gone through.


And that's exactly why you shouldn't judge yourself, too. Just realize that this inner voice isn't your friend. So don't listen to it! Recognize it as a foreign object that must not have any power over you! So don't sabotage beautiful things or goals because you tell yourself you're not worth it or something like that.








5. Ignore the expectations of others


If it is always difficult, it may not be the right thing for you. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe what you are trying to achieve is not what you are meant to do or unconsciously wish for. You often underestimate the expectations of other people, but they have an enormous influence on the life of every person.


It should be your goal to act autonomously and to clear your mind about what you like and what you don't like.




"Everyone's a genius!

But if you judge a fish by that,

if he can climb a tree,

he'll believe all his life,

that he's stupid."



Exactly! You don't have to become an Instagram model, the new Arnold Schwarzenegger or the best lawyer in the country, that even John Grisham would be proud of you. If you really feel that from deep inside and you want to do it, then please do it! But if you always compare yourself to the one in a million, you will forget something completely. And that is your own success. No matter what you've learned or what you haven't learned. You are looking for more in life and want to improve. This alone is a huge progress that most people don't take to heart. They think everything they do is just as it is and they cannot change anything about it, especially not their character.


Your parents, friends, colleagues or close environment always expect you to behave according to the general ideas and expectations. But it simply goes against the grain for you! So remember:



You have the right to say NO!



You don't want to hurt other people? But then hurt yourself instead? You should be the most important person to yourself. If you do not love and listen to yourself and what you want, how can you have much love left for others? Love yourself and listen to your positive inner voice. Let yourself be guided and show a little healthy selfishness now and then!







6. Don't blame others


When things often don't work out the way you want them to in life, it is not only the most convenient way to blame others, but also a completely wrong approach! First of all you make yourself unlikable to the people around you, if you blame them for your dissatisfaction. Let's take your partner as an example. You'd like to go to the gym, but at the end of the day you didn't go and now you blame him/her for not motivating you or even for keeping you from doing it.


This is bad for your consciousness and the consciousness of others. It's mean and reckless. If that's what you should do, then stop it immediately. There are many circumstances and people who put obstacles in your way, but you are the person who matters. So how do you react?


Positive and with a "I'll do the best I can" - mentality! Because you're 99% to blame! You heard or read correctly! If you want something badly, you have to do everything you can to get it. If somebody hinders you, then it is not his or her fault, but YOURS, that you still have to deal with this person. Take responsibility for your life! 


Your parents may have been cruel, your partner violent, the last job undignified! That's over now, at least I hope it is for your sake! Go on, get away from these negative influences. It's no help to anyone if you blame others and don't change anything in your life. Try to act and not just react! If something doesn't suit you, don't hinder yourself, but change it actively!








The issue of self-sabotage is not an easy one. Often deep-seated psychological problems are so rooted in the own inner self, so that it's difficult to recognize them yourself. That's why you have to ask yourself often: "How do I appear to others? What is my self-image?"  If the answers to these questions are predominantly negative, then you know what you need to work on. 


Find goals, jobs, partners and circumstances that suit you and fulfill you. Do not torture yourself into something, but actively demand more from life. Talk to yourself kindly and try things out, be curious to find what suits you. Become more active in your own life and take responsibility. If you don't, then someone else will do it for you.


Don't wonder what others would think if you suddenly quit your job to bake cupcakes. Take a risk! Take a chance in life, because pretty sure you only have one. So why not put all your energy into turning the helm and sailing to where you would be happier and more content about your own destiny.






I hope the article was helpful for you. If so, please share it, so others like you can benefit from it. I wish you the best!







Related articles that might interest you:



Happiness acceptance
expectations goals
Just do it

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